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Eagle Born to Fly: Finding Life Beyond
Depression by Sharon C. Matthies
Price $15.00 >> 
Part 5- Life Around the Bend
Wrestling with a Crisis of Faith
If there’s anything this lifetime of detours through depression
has taught me, it’s that the more I know, the more I know
I don’t know. The deeper I fall into God, and the more intimately
I get to know Him, the more I’m forced to wrestle with unanswered
questions. Sometimes my disappointment in His apparent inactivity
is too much to bear and I rage against His inexplicable silence.
The stronger my faith becomes, the denser my fog grows, because
I struggle as much as anyone else to comprehend why the world is
the way it is.
The continuous onslaught of mind-numbing world events following
September 11th just don’t make any sense to me, given that
I believe in a loving God who should want to use His power to do
something about the wars and hatred that threaten to annihilate
us all. The suicide-bombings and death stories that spewed out of
the newspapers and television set every night, the relentless onslaught
of deadly world events, the closer-to-home life-altering changes
like the unexpected deaths of both parents, and the roller coaster
rides in and out of depression all continued to wear down my resistance
to fight against doubt and futility, until I had built up a sizable
wall of mistrust towards God.
While I sorely missed His tangible Presence in my life, and never
did get out of the habit of wanting to call on Him or praying to
Him to keep my world and loved ones safe, there was also a bitter
estrangement taking root in my disillusionment. At the same time,
I didn’t want to cave into that doubt and estrangement, and
so continued to go to church, albeit not as regularly as I used
to go, and not with the same devotion or gladness, but desperate
to re-connect again.
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